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In a society where there are no longer strict demands to keep a marriage together, Toler advises couples to think of the union as a job, and to do the work required to make it work. You have to set up rituals and routines while you are still in love and doing silly stuff that you continue throughout your marriage. My husband and I stopped having conversations at one point about how everything was going, and how we were feeling.
To illustrate her points, she uses anecdotes from “Divorce Court” and closer to home, her own marriage and those of her friends. He thought it was over here and I thought it was over there. But if you have rituals and traditions of checking in, and talking to one another, and you do silly stuff, like I have friends who have divorce parties.
The audience for “Divorce Court” is up almost 50 percent from last year and a big part of the attraction is the common-sense approach taken by its presiding judge, Lynn Toler, who began overseeing the drama of separating couples in 2006. In other words, I think women do this a lot: Well, he doesn’t want to have kids and he isn’t interested in the same things I am, but I am really in love. But what I will say in regard to warning signs is someone who has had a lot of bad relationships before. If there is too much too soon, if someone has to have you — he met you on Tuesday and he can’t do without you on Thursday — that is a bad sign.
Naturally, Toler has learned a lot from her eight years on the bench of the TV series, during which she has taken note of the most common mistakes that couples make — resulting in an appearance before her! e H: Do you think people can change for a relationship? e H: One of the aspects that your book is predicated on is the belief that love isn’t enough to take couples from head over heels to happily ever after. LT: I think you bridge the gap by being mindfully married.